I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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