I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
