Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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