checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
