i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
