so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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