I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
