god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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