well I can't set my house on fire every night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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