Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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