I'm really into asian looking animals
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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