I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
