I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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