I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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