I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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