Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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