The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
