What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
