My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
not ubering you a puppy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
