I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
All the doctor said was why
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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