I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
