he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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