I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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