Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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