I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
