I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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