she kept yelling 'call me bella'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
