I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
