I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
