2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can you bring me the toilet please
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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