Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
