I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
