I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
