I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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