hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
