I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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