The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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