So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
