the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
