shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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