My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
