that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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