Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
