ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
