Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
