Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
