I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
