i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hippo gnu deer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
