so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
