guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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