I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
